Roadside America

Just got back from a trip across the country. Saw a lotta stuff on the side of the road. Thought you might to see some, with a little help from Roadside America. I don't think I truly appeciated some of the significances until I looked them up.

ELEVEN ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS BETWEEN EL CAJON, CA AND CHAMPAIGN, IL
(arranged geographically)

1. Unarius Academy of Science: El Cajon, CA - Just a few blocks from where we lived in California, here's the headquarters of the Unarius Academy of Science. RA's article is a bit dated...apparently, the Unarians were awaiting the arrival of UFOs in 2001. I'm not sure what they did when it didn't happen.
2. Stovall's Space Age Lodge: Gila Bend, AZ - A space themed hotel! A great place to stop for you weary Unarians taking a shortcut between Interstates 8 and 10.
3. Meteor Crate: Winslow, AZ - We saw signs for this, but not the actual park. It brought back memories of my tour of the Southwest in 1996. Other memories from that trip include getting pulled over at the Grand Canyon, standing on the Four Corners, and visiting Mesa Verdere and Baskin Robinson's (yes, I do know those pronunciations are wrong).
4. Stewart's Petrified Wood: Holbrook, AZ - There are a lot of dinosaurs roaming Holbrook, AZ. However, these seemed to be the most, um, menacing.
5. Giant Teepee: Lupton, AZ - I remember seeing this, and though Roadside America doesn't have a specific article about the place, they do have this general article about giant teepees around the country (and Canada).
6. Cadillac Ranch: Amarillo, TX - I noticed this place where the Cadillacs were planted in the ground, but I don't think I understood the significance until we stopped for lunch and the penny squisher machine told us that this was a major Amarillo landmark.
7. VW Slug Bug Ranch: Conway, TX - I'm sure this came about in response to the success of the Cadillac Ranch. It's the same thing, but with VW Beetles. They were tie dyed when I saw them.
8. Second Largest Cross in the Western Hemisphere: Groom, TX - You can see this cross from miles away, along with signs advertising it. It is indeed very large. They don't tell you that the largest cross is only three states away.
9. Leaning Water Tower: Groom, TX - Just down the road from the big cross is the leaning water tower of Groom. Apparently, it's the remnant of a truck stop that used it as a way to get people's attention so they'd stop to ask questions.
10. Former World's Largest McDonald's: Vinita, OK - On the toll road between Tulsa and the Missouri state line sits this restaurant. It's hard to miss, you have to drive straight through the place. It used to be the world's largest McDonald's, which apparently now resides in Orlando, FL.
11. Giant Cross: Effingham, IL - Effingham is known as the Crossroads of America, and indeed, this is where we turned north to head for Champaign. It looked exactly like Groom's cross, except without all the stuff at the bottom. It is apprently eight feet taller than the one in Groom.
    

TV From My Childhood

Ah, those precious moments, rotting my brain with television. Here's:

ELEVEN TELEVISION SHOWS I ENJOYED AS A CHILD

(presented alphabetically)

1. Danger Mouse - Danger Mouse was, of course, the greatest secret agent rodent the world has ever known. I loved watching this British cartoon on Nickelodeon, and I have the first four seasons on DVD now. I didn't realize that they were actually shorts of about five minutes each that Nick just edited together until seeing them again on DVD.
2. Darkwing Duck - There were a bunch of Disney afternoon shows that I watched, like Duck Tales, Chip'n'Dale's Rescue Rangers, and Tale Spin. However, my favorite was Darkwing Duck, which seemed like it never got the shot it deserved. DD was a fairly incompetent duck superhero. The show was very funny to me, and I still quote the catchphrase: "I am the terror that flaps in the night..."
3. Double Dare - One of the greatest game shows ever. It was hosted by Marc Summers (who now does a lot with Food Network), and involved kids getting very messy for cash and prizes. I really wanted to be a contestant.
4. Kids Incorporated - I don't remember a whole lot about this show, except that I watched it a lot on Disney, and it was one of those pop singing shows. I had fantasies where I cast myself and my friends (and yes, some of my stuffed animals, proof of which I still think my parents have on their fridge) on the show.
5. The Muppet Show - Are you kidding me? Greatest show ever. Period. I loved it then, I love it now. And I own the first two seasons on DVD.
6. The Price Is Right - One of my earliest memories is from sitting on the couch at my sitter's house, eating Frosted Flakes and watching Bob Barker on The Price Is Right. I haven't seen any of the Drew Carey incarnation, so I can't judge, but I know that Bob Barker was the greatest. Come on down!
7. The Real Ghostbusters - I was a Ghostbusters fan before I watched either movie (and I actually saw the second movie before the first). I watched the cartoon every week, however. A few episodes stand out in my mind, such as the Christmas episode where the Ghostbusters captured Scrooge's ghosts; the Sandman episode, where everyone in New York (except Winston) was put to sleep; and the Boogeyman episode, which gave me nightmares. What a great cartoon.
8. Square One - This was an educational show about math. It aired on PBS, and it was very clever and funny. I loved Mathnet, the Dragnet parody that featured two mathematicians (Kate Monday and George Frankly) solving crimes. I've seen some clips on YouTube recently, and it still holds up (if slightly cheesier than I remember it).
9. Tiny Toons - If there's one thing I remember about the shows I watched in my childhood, it is that my father hated this one. I loved it, though what I've seen since hasn't held up as well. I guess my father was not the target audience.
10. Transformers - I used to watch Transformers, but then something happened and I didn't want to see it anymore. I don't remember if it scared me or not, but it seems like I smelled something bad, associated it with the show, and stopped watching. I don't really know.
11. You Can't Do That On Television - This was a sketch comedy show for kids on Nickelodeon, and it was great. Don't say water, or get water dumped on you. Don't say "I don't know", or get slimed. And then there were the opposite sketches, the cheesy jokes from the lockers, and Barth. Good old Barth.

Ogden Nash

ELEVEN POEMS BY OGDEN NASH
(presented alphabetically by title)

1. ARTHUR
   There was an old man of Calcutta,
   Who coated his tonsils with butta,
   Thus converting his snore
   From a thunderous roar
   To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
2. THE DOG
   The truth I do not stretch or shove
   When I state that the dog is full of love.
   I've also found, by actual test,
   A wet dog is the lovingest.
3. THE FLY
   God in His wisdom made the fly,
   And then forgot to tell us why.
4. THE HIPPOPOTAMUS
   Behold the hippopotamus!
   We laugh at how he looks to us,
   And yet in moments dank and grim,
   I wonder how we look to him.
   Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus!
   We really look all right to us,
   As you no doubt delight the eye
   Of other hippopotami.
5. THE HUNTER
   The hunter crouches in his blind
   'Neath camouflage of every kind,
   And conjures up a quacking noise
   To lend allure to his decoys.
   This grown-up man, with pluck and luck,
   Is hoping to outwit a duck.
6. THE LAMA
   The one-l lama,
   He's a priest;
   The two-l llama,He's a beast.
   And I will bet
   A silk pajama
   There isn't any
   Three-l lllama.
7. THE PANTHER
   The panther is like a leopard,
   Except it hasn't been peppered.
   Should you behold a panther crouch,
   Prepare to say Ouch.
   Better yet, if called by a panther,
   Don't anther.
8. THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS
   The people upstairs all practice ballet.
   Their living room is a bowling alley.
   Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
   Their radio is louder than yours.
   They celebrate week ends all the week.
   When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
   They try to get their parties to mix
   By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
   And when their party at last abates,
   They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
   I might love he people upstairs wondrous
   If instead of above us, they lived just under us.
9. THE PIG
   The pig, if I am not mistaken,
   Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
   Let others say his heart is big-
   I call it stupid of the pig.
10. THE TERMITE
    Some primal termite knocked on wood
    And tasted it, and found it good!
    And that is why your Cousin May
    Fell through the parlor floor today.
11. TO MY VALENTINE
    More than a catbird hates a cat,
    Or a criminal hates a clue,
    Or the Axis hates the United States,
    That's how much I love you.
    I love you more than a duck can swim,
    And more than a grapefruit squirts,
    I love you more than gin rummy is a bore,
    And more than a toothache hurts.
    As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
    Or a juggler hates a shove,
    As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
    That's how much you I love.
    I love you more than a wasp can sting,
    And more than a subway jerks,
    I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
    And more than a hangnail irks.
    I swear to you by the stars above,
    And below, if such there be,
    As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths,
    That's how you're loved by me.

And, for those interested, find these and more on my Geeklist at BoardgameGeek.

FXKLTKN KINDTL

The following list items are all cryptograms, and based on the same code. They have a common thread, and if you translate the title, you'll have it. Also, they're in alphabetical order by answer. I'll reveal the code in a future post. Maybe.

TSTCTF EKNHZGUKQDL WQLTR GF FXKLTKN KINDTL

1. ITN RORRST RORRST
2. IXDHZN RXDHZN
3. PQEA QFR POSS
4. PQEA WT FODWST, PQEA WT JXOEA
5. PQEA LHKQZ
6. SOZZST WG HTTH
7. SOZZST DOLL DXYYTZ
8. DQKN IQR Q SOZZST SQDW
9. GSR DGZITK IXWWQKR
10. HTZTK HTZTK HXDHAOF TQZTK
11. ZIOL SOZZST HOUUN

Need another hint? These all relate to DGZITK UGGLT.

YouTubish

Some YouTube nuggets for your approval.

ELEVEN YOUTUBE VIDEOS

1. Dancing Pixel People.
   
2. Don't talk on your phone during a concert.
   
3. OK Go on treadmills.
   
4. Look where you're going.
   
5. Road rage meets its match.
   
6. A squirrely obstacle course.
   
7. 911 - Elephant edition.
   
8. 911 - Math edition.
   
9. 911 - Brownie edition.
   
10. Four hands on the guitar.
    
11. A prison Thriller - spoooooky.

Books & Movies

I don't always like movies based on books. I'll like the book, then I won't like the movie. Or vice versa, in much less frequent cases. However, here are:

ELEVEN BOOKS I LIKE THAT BECAME MOVIES I LIKE
(presented alphabetically)

1. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - We start this off with a wonderful book that actually became two movies I like. Roald Dahl, the author, was reportedly unhappy with the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that starred Gene Wilder, classic though that film has become. Tim Burton's version was closer to the spirit of the original, but I have to say I like them both for what they bring.
2. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk burst onto the fiction scene with his first novel that became a movie directed by David Fincher. Palahniuk's style really brings out the narrator's state of mind with definite stream of consciousness writing, and the adaptation managed to stay faithful to the source material without revealing the big twist at the end. Both are violent, gritty, darkly funny, and, for me, very good.
3. The Godfather - Mario Puzo's novel was long, dramatic, spellbinding, and included an absolutely pointless subplot set in Hollywood. Francis Ford Coppola's film adaptation was everything good about the book, with only a hint of the terrible Johnny Fontane story, and that was all that was necessary. I'm not as big of a fan of the second movie, though the young Vito Corleone story, taken from the original novel, was excellent.
4. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby's first fictional novel was about a man with a record store trying to figure out his life and relationships in Britain. The movie version, starring John Cusack, moved the locale to America and lost none of its punch. The story is very deep and insightful about the way men think, and though I don't really have the same lifestyle or subscribe to the same philosophies, I can still relate.
5. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - This Douglas Adams story began life as a radio program, then as a book, then as a TV series for BBC, then as a movie produced after Adams' death. Not a lot of people like the movie, but I really do. It is a departure from the original story, but Adams publicly stated that every version would be different to give them more reason for being. And I must say, Sam Rockwell's Dubya-inspired performance steals the show.
6. Jurassic Park - I wouldn't say Steven Spielberg's adaptation of Michael Crichton's novel is great, but it was definitely groundbreaking. I guess my problem is all the giant holes in the movie, but the story is great. It's Crichton's greatest work, and the movie is fun, so what the heck. On the list it goes!
7. The Princess Bride - William Goldman "adapted" this book from a book he claims his father read to him. The movie took another fourteen years to make it to theaters, but was well worth the time. An absolutely perfect cast, some of the most quotable lines on celluloid, and a beautiful story made the film a classic, but it all came from the novel. Goldman wrote the screenplay as well.
8. A Series of Unfortunate Events - The first three books of Lemony Snicket's thirteen book series were made into a film by Brad Silberling in 2004. It was not a major box-office success, but I really enjoy its quirky charm. Jim Carrey was excellent in his role, which some critics disagree on. They think he was too goofy, but come on. It's an over-the-top role, who better than Jim Carrey?
9. The Shining - Stephen King hated Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of his book. I'm not sure of the exact quote, but I think he said something about Kubrick not understanding horror. No offense, Steve, but I found the movie terrifying The book was equally as terrifying, and I read that second. You'd think I knew what was going to happen and wouldn't be scared, but no. So, in a sense, Kubrick's version helped King's version by not spoiling the suspense.
10. The Silence of the Lambs - The Thomas Harris novel was really good to begin with; in fact, I would say it is the best of Harris' few novels. The movie, behind stellar performances by Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins, really brought the story to life. The movie was very faithful to the book, and though the Hannibal Lecter franchise has gotten completely out of hand, this is definitely one of the gold standards of book adaptations.
11. Thank You For Smoking - Christopher Buckley's satire about the tobacco lobby was hysterical, and the movie definitely emulated the sentiment. My biggest complaint about the movie was that it changed the culprit, but I'd still recommend both. Aaron Eckhart made a great lead for the movie.

Honorable mention - The Lord of the Rings. I didn't include it because it was three books and three movies and I didn't want to waste the space. But yes, a fantastic (if wordy) trilogy of books by JRR Tolkien made into a fantastic trilogy of movies by Peter Jackson.

These are a few of my favorite things

People always come up to me and say, "HEY! Blogger guy! You've gotta lotta nerve! Telling us stuff without really telling us stuff! Why don't you tell us some stuff?" You want some stuff? You got some stuff!

ELEVEN OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

(presented in the order I thought of them, or by awesomeness if you prefer)

1. Pachelbel's Canon in D - It doesn't matter that it's not really a canon. It's just such a purty song.
2. Grease - The music is just so good! Not annoying at all.
3. Country Music - See above.
4. UNC - I'm from North Carolina, so I guess that makes me a Tar Heel fan. I have no other choice.
5. Kids with roller skates in their shoes - Whee!
6. Slow people in the left lane - Exercising their right to go under the speed limit in the fast lane. Good job!
7. David Spade - He's never made a bad movie, and his sarcastic brand of sarcasm goes right to the heart of any issue.
8. Chihuahuas - Mexican rats pretending to be dogs? Maybe, but those Taco Bell commercials were so funny!
9. Taco Bell - How could you not like them? Remember the commercials with the chihuahua?
10. People who own poodles - I'm sure all poodles love being humiliated with bad haircuts. Doesn't everyone?
11. April 1 - The only day I could ever get away with publishing this list.

The Eleventh List Super Spectacular!!!

Yes, folks, here it is, the eleventh editiopn of The Eleven! To celebrate our storied history, here are:

ELEVEN FAVORITE ITEMS FROM THE FIRST ELEVEN LISTS (INCLUDING THIS ONE!!!)

(presented in original order)

1. Eleven Reasons To Make A List Go To Eleven Instead Of Ten: Most lists go up to ten. That makes lists that go up to eleven one better.
2. Eleven Jokes By Mitch Hedberg: I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.
3. Eleven Useless Facts: Most toilets flush in the key of E flat.
4. Eleven Romantic Comedies: Groundhog Day.
5. Eleven More Mitch Hedberg Jokes: An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
6. Eleven Movies That Didn't Win Best Picture, But Should Have: Fargo.
7. Eleven Podcasts I Listen To: Pardon The Interruption.
8. Eleven Classical Works I Enjoy: The Planets by Gustav Holst.
9. Eleven Random Wikipedia Factoids: Worshipful Company of Spectacle Makers.
10. Eleven Homophones...You Figure Them Out!!!: What enchantress?=? (I'll even give you the answer...Which witch?)
11. Eleven Favorite Items From The First Eleven Lists (Including This One): I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.

Congratulations to Mitch Hedberg his victorious joke! Thanks for joining me, and here's to the next eleven lists!

What do you call a stinky chicken?

For the first time, a quiz on The Eleven! Homophones are words that sound the same, but are not spelled the same. A stinky chicken, then, would be a FOUL FOWL. Get it? On with:

ELEVEN HOMOPHONES...YOU FIGURE THEM OUT!!!
(presented alphabetically)

1. Baby African antelope=?
2. Chokin' casket=?
3. Correct ritual=?
   
4. Equine with laryngitis=?
5. Forbidden musical group=?
6. Make fun of golf pegs=?
7. Naked grizzly=?
8. Narcissistic blood vessel=?
9. Runs from parasites=?
10. Spun globe=?
11. What sorceress=?

No, I'm not going to give you the answers! And no posting guesses in the comments...you'll ruin it for everyone else!

Random Wikipedia Knowledge

Here's the game. Go to Wikipedia, and click the link that says "Random article". Learn from your findings. Repeat. You'll find out some fascinating stuff, as you'll learn in:

ELEVEN RANDOM WIKIPEDIA FACTOIDS

(presented in the random order they came up)

1. Iocaste - Iocaste (Jupiter XXIV) is a retrograde irregular satellite that orbits Jupiter. It's about 5 kilometers in diameter, and takes over 609 days to orbit the planet.
2. Madelyne Pryor - Madelyne Pryor was a clone of one of the X-Men, Jean Grey, that was created by Mister Sinister. She first appeared in 1983, and has not been seen since 2000.
3. Worshipful Company of Spectacle Makers - The Company was founded in 1629 and became a livery company in 1809 (meaning it regulated its profession in London). It surrendered its power to examine opticians before they could practice in 1979 to the British College of Ophthalmic Opticians.
4. Forgách utca - Forgách utca is a station on the M3 line of the Budapest Metro in Hungary.
5. Domestication of the horse - Horses appeared in Paleolithic cave art from about 30,000 BC, but no one knows when they were actually domesticated. The prevailing theory is that it was around the Ukraine in approximately 4000 BC.
6. Spectamen - A genus of sea snails, marine gastropod molluscs in the family Trochidae, also known as the top snails (meaning their shells kind of look like toy tops).
7. Aquaporin - Aquaporin are integral membrane proteins from a larger family of major intrinsic proteins that form pores in the membrane of biological cells. Get that? Basically, they help water move in and out of cells. Aquaporin. Now you get it?
8. Ryo Ishikawa - A Japanese professional golfer that became the youngest golfer ever to win a major tournament on the Japan Golf Tour in 2007 at the age of 15 years 8 months.
9. Commonwealth Hall - Commonwealth Hall was an Egyptian soap opera that isn't on the air anymore due to low ratings. Wikipedia doesn't tell me when it was on, however.
10. 1960 in Pakistan - Apparently, only four things happened in Pakistan in 1960. In January, they formed an Electoral Collegeto elect the members of the provincial and national assemblies. On February 14, Ayub Khan was elected president with 95.6% of the vote (he was the only candidate). On February 17, Khan was sworn in. On September 19, Pakistan and India signed the Indus Waters Treaty. An eventful year for Pakistan.
11. Austrovenus stutchburyi - Austrovenus stutchburyi, also known as the New Zealand cockie, or the New Zealand little neck clam, is a bivalve mollusc (meaning its shell has two parts) and is unique to New Zealand.

I guess molluscs win this round, with two out of eleven entries. Hope you feel enlightened now.

Classical Music

Here's a list of some classical music that I really enjoy, and I hope that you can find something you like among them. My interests tend to run more in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, which isn't everyone's cup of tea, but here you are.

ELEVEN CLASSICAL WORKS I ENJOY
(presented alphabetically by composer)

1. Concerto for Orchestra (Bela Bartok) - When I was in college, I had to write a paper on the Concerto for Orchestra. It was a critical analysis of all five movements, and I think the paper was assigned to me because of a part in the fourth movement that has a trombone glissando that is impossible on a trombone with only one attachment, precipitating the need for a trombone with another attachment, which evolved into the modern bass trombone. The movements are all stylistically different, with a slow opening movement, a quicker second movement featuring pairs of instruments, a very slow third movement, a scherzo for the fourth movement that parodied Shostakovich's seventh symphony, and a fast and triumphant final movement. It's a great piece of music.
2. Sonata No. 8 in C Minor: Pathetique (Ludwig van Beethoven) - Beethoven is obviously one of the most well known composers in history, and considered by many to be one of the greatest. The Pathetique Sonata (not pathetic - the word pathetique refers more to passion and emotion) is one of his greatest works for piano, in my humble opinion. It begins in a very slow and tragic manner, but turns fast by the end. The second movement is one of the most beautiful pieces in all of music, while the third movement brings the work to a close with a fast finale. I really love this piece.
3. Symphony No. 9: From the New World (Antonin Dvorak) - Dvorak's ninth symphony is subtitled "From the New World" because it was composed while Dvorak was visiting the United States. The piece was composed in 1893, and was influenced by native American music and African-American spirituals. The first movement is a slow-fast movement, followed by a lovely second movement was the inspiration for the spiritual song "Goin' Home." The third movement is a scherzo, and the fourth movement is a fast and exciting movement to close the work. It's an extremely popular symphony, and rightfully so. I absolutely love the second movement, and I have fond memories of playing the fourth movement in high school orchestra.
4. Rhapsody In Blue (George Gershwin) - Rhapsody In Blue was originally written for piano and jazz band in 1924, but it is its orchestral form that it is most often heard today. Gershwin did not actually orchestrate the piece, it was arranged by Ferde Grofé. Until this piece, Gershwin was mostly known as a jazz and popular composer, but Rhapsody In Blue established him in the classical genre. It has been recorded numerous times, appeared in Disney's Fantasia 2000, and even has an a capella with piano arrangement by The Bobs called Rhapsody In Bob (which I highly encourage everyone to listen to as well).
5. The Planets (Gustav Holst) - This piece came out in 1918, right on the heels of the first world war. Its seven movements are supposed to represent the qualities of the planets, though they seem to be more attuned to the qualities of the Roman gods the planets were named after. "Mars, the Bringer of War" is one of the most menacing pieces of music ever created. "Venus, the Bringer of Love" is a beautiful, romantic tune, while "Mercury, the Winged Messenger" is light and bouncy. "Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity" is a celebration, with a beautiful hymn in the middle. "Saturn, the Bringer of Old Age" is very slow and ponderous, while "Uranus the Magician" is very powerful. "Neptune the Mystic" closes the work with very ethereal, floaty music, and a female chorus sings the work into the outer reaches of the galaxy. The work was written before Pluto was discovered, but now that Pluto is no longer a planet, "The Planets" is complete again. This has got to be one of my all-time favorite works, though Holst resented its popularity.
6. The Unanswered Question (Charles Ives) - The Unanswered Question is a short work by American composer Charles Ives that was composed in 1906. It's a very contemplative work, with ethereal strings serving as the backdrop for The Question, which is asked seven times by a solo trumpet. After each question, a group of woodwinds attempt to answer, but their answers become increasingly hostile and desperate as the piece proceeds. Finally, as the trumpet asks The Question one last time, there is no answer. The woodwinds have abandoned their attempts to answer, and The Question remains Unanswered. I really respect Charles Ives as one of the pioneers of modern music, and this is one of my favorites by him.
7. Night on Bald Mountain (Modest Mussorgsky) - If you've watched Fantasia, you've heard this one. It's the terrifying finale of the movie, paired with Schubert's Ave Maria. The piece itself is a study in contrasts, with a violent and scary beginning section and a tender, peaceful resolution. Mussorgsky originally composed the work entitled St. John's Night on the Bare Mountain, which was later reworked into A Night on the Bare Mountain by Nicolai Rimsky-Korsakov. It is Rimsky-Korsakov's version that is most performed today, though it is more commonly referred to as Night on Bald Mountain. It's a frightening piece, but I love it.
8. Carmina Burana (Carl Orff) - The opening and closing sections of Carmina Burana are the same. "O Fortuna", a song lamenting fortune's ever spinning wheel, is also the most recognizable part of Carmina Burana. You may not realize you've heard it, but every time you see a movie or game trailer that features some sort of apocalyptic battle between good and evil, there it is. It's very powerful, but there's so much good stuff in the whole work. It was conceived as a scenic cantata, and is made up of secular songs in Latin that range from the profound to the profane. There is some beautiful love music, drinking music, celebratory music, and music that is full of sorrow. If I was ranking music in order of my preference, I would have it in the top two with The Planets, though I tend to go back and forth on which one I like more.
9. Pines of Rome (Ottorino Respighi) - Pini di Roma is a four movement work by Italian composer Ottorino Respighi that premiered in 1924. The movements all flow into one another, and each is based on pine trees in different locations. The fourth movement in particular is very powerful, as it builds to a dramatic climax. It's a very cool piece, and very enjoyable even if it isn't extremely well known. Like Rhapsody In Blue, which premiered the same year, Pines of Rome (minus the second movement) appeared in Fantasia 2000.
10. Symphony No. 5 (Dmitri Shostakovich) - The 1934 opera "Lady Macbeth of the Mtensk District" by Russian composer Dmitri Shostakovich was initially a great success. Then Josef Stalin heard it. And hated it. Shostakovich withdrew his fourth symphony during rehearsals because the government was now breathing down his neck to produce something properly Russian. In 1937, his fifth symphoyn premiered to great acclaim. The same critics of Lady Macbeth called it "a Soviet artist's response to just criticism." In his memoirs, published posthumously, Shostakovich said that the fourth movement represented a forced celebration. It's as if, he said, someone was beating you over the head with a stick, saying "Your business is rejoicing! Your business is rejoicing!" until you stagger away, muttering "Our business is rejoicing! Our business is rejoicing!" This is disputed, but the piece remains one of the most powerful and popular pieces Shostakovich wrote.
11. Rite of Spring (Igor Stravinsky) - The 1913 premiere of the Igor Stravinsky ballet Rite of Spring was eventful to say the least. Some people loved it. Some people hated it. Before too long, a riot broke out. The ballet had seven performances, but only the first one was disrupted like that. This story fascinates me, and I think if I could go observe a few moemnts in history, this would be one of them. The piece is very primitive, dissonant, and rhythmic. Stravinsky broke every single rule of music to produce the piece, and it is truly one of, if not THE greatest works of the twentieth century. I realize I keep referring to Fantasia, but you can find this one in the original film. This connection was entirely unintentional.

Of course, there are many more pieces out there that I love, but I only have eleven spots. Enjoy.

Podcasts

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. It's good, getting mini radio shows delivered to my computer every once in a while. So, that inspired this list...

ELEVEN PODCASTS I LISTEN TO

1. The Acapodcast - The Acapodcast explores the world of a capella music (music sung with no instrumental accompaniment), both professional and amateur. The host, Chad Bergeron, is a big fan of the collegiate a capella scene, and plays a lot from various university groups. It's very interesting, and I enjoy it. Website.
2. Ask A Ninja - If you've got a burning question you need answered, why not ask a ninja? The ninja will answer all your questions...then kill you. Which may be why I've never asked him a question. This is a very funny podcast, and I highly recommend it. It's a video podcast. Website.
3. The Bible Podcast - Michael Lee reads a chapter from the Bible each episode, from the New English translation. Right now, he's working through Acts, but I think he's done about nineteen books from the Old and New Testaments so far. It's nice to hear them read, but if you want to get anything out of them, I wouldn't recommend doing anything else at the time. Website.
4. The Concert - The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston hosts a concert series every year, and this podcast gives you a look at some of their best performances. It being a museum, the music is mostly limited to chamber music and solo performances, but it's a great way to hear some live classical music twice a month. Website.
5. Coverville - This podcast gives you some of the best cover songs out there. A cover song is a song that was originally performed by someone other than the performer now doing it. Host Brian Ibbott has been doing this for well over 400 episodes now, and it's going strong. He does other podcasts, including Lyrics Undercover, which examines the history and meanings of songs. Coverville is one of my favorites. Website.
6. KEXP Song of the Day - KEXP is a radio station out of Seattle, and every weekday, they provide a song by an independent artist for your consideration. Sometimes, the songs are terrible. Sometimes, they're great. It's really a matter of opinion, but the beauty of the podcast is that it's always different, and I'm sure you'll find something to appreciate. Website.
7. Naxos Classical Music Spotlight - This is basically a commercial for Naxos CDs, but the selection is really great. The show is about twenty minutes each time, and it features highlights from the CD they're trying to sell you. The host gives great background information, and it's good to hear music that's out there that you may want to investigate further. Website.
8. Pardon the Interruption - This ESPN show features Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser (with various guests) shouting at each other about the sports issues of today. They are extremely well informed, and they don't take themselves seriously at all. If I had ESPN, I would watch the show, but I instead have to settle for the podcast. Website.
9. Piano Puzzler - "Performance Today" is a two hour radio show produced by American Public Media. One of its features is a sort of game show called Piano Puzzler, where composer Bruce Adolphe takes a popular tune and plays it in the style of a classical composer. A contestant calls in and tries to guess the tune and the composer. It's very interesting, and I hardly ever get it right. It reminds me of Victor Borge's Happy Birthday variations. The Piano Puzzler is available on its own podcast. Website.
10. Scene Unseen Movie Reviews - This is a movie podcast, with the gimmick that one person (Chris) sees the movie, and the other person (Jimmy) doesn't. Chris will recommend movies based on the quality of the film, Jimmy will recommend movies based on hype and advertising. The reviews are very well reasoned and informative, though the two are pretty foul mouthed. Website.
11. They Might Be Giants - They Might Be Giants have a couple of podcasts, and I'm kind of cheating by including both, but you'll see why. First, there's a TMBG Podcast that's been going on for a while that plays TMBG recordings you may not get anywhere else. Also, they have a Friday Night Family podcast that is essentially a plug for their childen's albums, "Here Come The ABCs" and "Here Come The 123s". That's only been going on for a couple of months, and I don't know if it will continue once they run out of material from those two albums. It's a video podcast, which would probably be difficult to do too many episodes. At any rate, check them both out. Website.

I subscribe to all of these through iTunes, though you can get many of them, including archives, directly from the website.

Oscar Shouldawons

In honor of the Oscars this Sunday...

ELEVEN MOVIES THAT DIDN'T WIN BEST PICTURE, BUT SHOULD HAVE
(presented chronologically)

1. Citizen Kane (1941) - The Maltese Falcon was also up for Best Picture in 1941, but the prize went to How Green Is My Valley, a film by director John Ford. I can't attest to the quality of HGWMV, having not seen it, but there is no doubt that Citizen Kane's long term impact far outweighs that of the Oscar winner. For its technical merits, there has never been another film like it.
   
2. High Noon (1952) - The Greatest Show On Earth, directed by Cecil B. DeMille, is sometimes called the worst movie ever to win the Best Picture Oscar. Personally, I think High Noon is one of the best Westerns ever made, so I'm happy to give it my vote instead of TGSOE
   
3. Dr. Strangelove (1964) - This is a controversial choice for me, as My Fair Lady, 1964's Oscar winner, is so popular. I don't care for it. And Dr. Strangelove is just such a wonderful satire, I can't imagine any other film that year being better.
   
4. Fiddler on the Roof (1971) - This is another controversial choice. The French Connection is undoubtedly a great film, but it's not something I can watch over and over again. Give an award to Gene Hackman for his role, maybe another one for the car chase, but give the Best Picture to a classic musical, Fiddler on the Roof.
   
5. Raging Bull (1980) - Robert Redford's directorial debut, Ordinary People, won the Oscar in 1980. But Raging Bull is such a classic, while Ordinary People is largely forgotten, which puts it on my list. This is the first of two times a Martin Scorcese movie appears on my list.
   
6. Field of Dreams (1989) - Maybe I just have a soft spot for Field of Dreams, but I can't imagine why Driving Miss Daisy won in 1989. It's been a long time since I saw Miss Daisy, but it was largely forgettable to me.
   
7. Goodfellas (1990) - This classic gangster movie got shafted. Dances With Wolves beat Goodfellas? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Kevin Costner over Martin Scorcese? I'll give Costner Field of Dreams, but he has never made or been in another movie I liked.
   
8. Fargo (1996) - Fargo was the best movie of 1996, but the Coen brothers' style was a little too obscure for people. Hopefully, they'll finally get an Oscar this year with No Country For Old Men, but I'll pick Fargo over The English Patient any day of the week.
   
9. Saving Private Ryan (1998) - Shakespeare In Love. WHAT? Spielberg wins best director, but Shakespeare In Love was a better movie than Saving Private Ryan? WHAT?!? This is the biggest travesty since Goodfellas lost.
   
10. Traffic (2000) - I know I'm among the minority, but I hated Gladiator. I had a friend who swore up and down that it was the greatest movie ever, but I hated it. I walked out thinking I had wasted three and a half hours of my life, only to find that it had only been two and a half hours. No, Traffic was much more interesting, and should have won the Oscar.
    
11. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) - A Beautiful Mind was Ron Howard's reward for all his years in Hollywood. Maybe there wasn't another director more deserving, but The Fellowship of the Ring was just so good. And the series only got better. Return of the King won the Oscar for all of them in 2003.
    

I'm going to give a bonus honorable mention to Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption for 1994. They both could have won Best Picture Oscars in a lot of years, but there were three deserving films that year, with Forrest Gump taking the prize. I'm not saying Forrest Gump should have lost, just that Pulp Fiction and Shawshank deserve equal recognition.

More Mitch!

ELEVEN MORE MITCH HEDBERG JOKES

1. On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
2. The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
3. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
4. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
5. An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
6. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
7. You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
8. I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
9. Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
10. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
11. I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

Romantic Comedies

A quick explanation about this list. This is a collection of eleven movies that are romantic comedies mostly in the sense that there is romance in the comedy, but the relationship is not necessarily the main theme of the movie. I would not call these "chick flicks" or even traditional romantic comedies, just movies that are genuinely funny and result in a happy connection being made. The list is in alphabetical order.

ELEVEN ROMANTIC COMEDIES

1. Chicken Run - It's a Great Escape style adventure, starring chickens. It's all claymation, and it's a brilliant movie. The romantic tension between Rocky and Ginger is a great plot point, but I'd really recommend the movie for its technical brilliance. Plus, it's pretty funny.
   
2. Dave - This 1993 movie starred Kevin Kline as both the president and his impersonator, and Sigourney Weaver took the role of the First Lady. It's a very sweet movie, with a man forced into an impossible situation, making a difference, and falling in love at the same time.
3. Galaxy Quest - This Star Trek parody is a wonderfully funny movie. There are two romantic connections made, one between Tim Allen and Sigourney Weaver, and the other between Tony Shalhoub and Missi Pyle.
   
4. Ghostbusters - Sigourney Weaver again (geez, she's in everything!), this time with Bill Murray in Ghostbusters. Of course, Ghostbusters is about busting ghosts, but the relationship between Dana and Venkman provides some good laughs.
   
5. Groundhog Day - Bill Murray is one of my favorite actors and comedians, and this 1993 movie showed several sides to him. A man is forced to repeat the same day over and over, and makes a change in himself in order to cope. The romantic subplot with Andie MacDowell puts this on the list.
6. High Fidelity - This movie is definitely about relationships, but it's interesting in that it explores why some men are so nutso when it comes to commitment. John Cusack comes to some very deep realizations through the movie, and I think it's great.
7. Liar Liar - Jim Carrey at his finest (well, comedic finest - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is his absolute best). This movie is absolutely hysterical, and, while very sappy in places, does really show a great change in Carrey's character. The romance comes at the very end.
   
8. Office Space - This movie about office rebellion has a nice subplot between Jennifer Aniston and Ron Livingston. The hero really has to come to terms with himself and his life in the movie, and he makes giant strides in finding out what he needs to be happy.
   
9. The Princess Bride - Well, what romantic comedy list would be complete without this one? There's much more here than the love story - action, comedy, tragedy, and yes, romance. If you haven't seen it yet, shame on you.
   
10. Shaun of the Dead - Yeah, OK, but it's a really good movie, and there is a romantic subplot between Shaun and his ex-girlfriend, so I count it in this definition of a romantic comedy. The romantic aspect is part of what gives this movie such heart.
11. Young Frankenstein - Two romantic subplots (Gene Wilder/Teri Garr, Peter Boyle/Madeline Kahn) put this on the list, but this is one of Mel Brooks' three best. I would probably sandwich it in quality between The Producers (#1) and Blazing Saddles (#3), neither of which have enough of a romantic subplot for me to include here.
    

Enjoy some of these on your Valentine's Day.

Useless Information

ELEVEN USELESS FACTS

1. Golf was banned in England in 1457 because it was considered a distraction from the serious pursuit of archery.
2. Incredible means not believable. Incredulous means not believing. When someone's story is truly incredible, you ought to be incredulous.
3. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
4. Llanfairpwllgwyngyll (long form Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch), also spelt Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll and commonly known as Llanfair PG or Llanfairpwll, is a village and community on the island of Anglesey in Wales. The long form of the name is the longest officially recognised place name in the United Kingdom and one of the longest in the world, being 58 letters in length. The name is Welsh for "St Mary's church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool and the church of St Tysilio of the red cave".
5. Los Angeles was founded in the year of 1781 by Spanish governor Felipe de Neve as El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles de Porciúncula (The Village of Our Lady, the Queen of the Angels of Porciúncula).
6. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's.
7. Most toilets flush in the key of E flat.
8. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.
9. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
10. There are more than fifty different kinds of kangaroos.
11. You can't legally plow a cotton field with an elephant in North Carolina.

Mitch Hedberg

ELEVEN JOKES BY MITCH HEDBERG

1. At the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
2. I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll give you the money, you give me the donut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend—"Don't even act like I didn't get that donut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for donut."
3. I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
4. I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.
5. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
6. I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
7. I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
8. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
9. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide."
10. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
11. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."
    

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose in 2005.

This list goes up to eleven

ELEVEN REASONS TO MAKE A LIST GO TO ELEVEN INSTEAD OF TEN

1. Most lists go up to ten. That makes lists that go up to eleven one better.
2. I can never think of just ten things. So, I'm giving myself one more.
3. Eleven is the first positive number with three syllables. Ten only has one syllable, and it's the ninth number with that many.
   
4. The Apollo 11 landed on the moon. The Apollo 10 only orbited.
5. The tenth president of the United States was John Tyler, who only became president because the ninth president, William Henry Harrison, caught pneumonia during his inaugural address and died. The eleventh president, James K. Polk, is considered the last strong president before the Civil War. Plus, They Might Be Giants wrote a song about him. (BONUS FACT: James K. Polk's middle initial is K...the eleventh letter!)
   
6. Which would you rather have...eleven pipers piping or ten lords a-leaping? Come on...beautiful music or ten guys jumping around, crashing into stuff? No brainer.
   
7. If you look at it the right way, 11 is number 1...twice!
   
8. Eleven rhymes with seven, and thus can be combined to form Seven-Eleven. Ten ends with the same two letters, but a Seven-Ten would be ridiculous.
   
9. Humorist Victor Borge saw the need for inflation when he created inflationary language, where one gets added to words with numbers in them. Thus, the tired old saying "Anyone for tennis?" becomes the inflated and invigorated "Anytwo five elevennis?"
   
10. The eleventh hour is when most work gets done. Nobody waits until the tenth hour, that's just silly, and it completely goes against the procrastinator's code.
    
11. If I have eleven items on a list, I can cite This Is Spinal Tap.