Mitch Hedberg

ELEVEN JOKES BY MITCH HEDBERG

1. At the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
2. I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll give you the money, you give me the donut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend—"Don't even act like I didn't get that donut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for donut."
3. I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
4. I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.
5. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
6. I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
7. I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
8. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
9. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide."
10. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
11. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."
    

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose in 2005.