Mitch Hedberg

ELEVEN JOKES BY MITCH HEDBERG

1. At the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
2. I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll give you the money, you give me the donut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend—"Don't even act like I didn't get that donut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for donut."
3. I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
4. I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.
5. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
6. I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
7. I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
8. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
9. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide."
10. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
11. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."
    

Mitch Hedberg died of a drug overdose in 2005.

This list goes up to eleven

ELEVEN REASONS TO MAKE A LIST GO TO ELEVEN INSTEAD OF TEN

1. Most lists go up to ten. That makes lists that go up to eleven one better.
2. I can never think of just ten things. So, I'm giving myself one more.
3. Eleven is the first positive number with three syllables. Ten only has one syllable, and it's the ninth number with that many.
   
4. The Apollo 11 landed on the moon. The Apollo 10 only orbited.
5. The tenth president of the United States was John Tyler, who only became president because the ninth president, William Henry Harrison, caught pneumonia during his inaugural address and died. The eleventh president, James K. Polk, is considered the last strong president before the Civil War. Plus, They Might Be Giants wrote a song about him. (BONUS FACT: James K. Polk's middle initial is K...the eleventh letter!)
   
6. Which would you rather have...eleven pipers piping or ten lords a-leaping? Come on...beautiful music or ten guys jumping around, crashing into stuff? No brainer.
   
7. If you look at it the right way, 11 is number 1...twice!
   
8. Eleven rhymes with seven, and thus can be combined to form Seven-Eleven. Ten ends with the same two letters, but a Seven-Ten would be ridiculous.
   
9. Humorist Victor Borge saw the need for inflation when he created inflationary language, where one gets added to words with numbers in them. Thus, the tired old saying "Anyone for tennis?" becomes the inflated and invigorated "Anytwo five elevennis?"
   
10. The eleventh hour is when most work gets done. Nobody waits until the tenth hour, that's just silly, and it completely goes against the procrastinator's code.
    
11. If I have eleven items on a list, I can cite This Is Spinal Tap.