Ogden Nash

ELEVEN POEMS BY OGDEN NASH
(presented alphabetically by title)

1. ARTHUR
   There was an old man of Calcutta,
   Who coated his tonsils with butta,
   Thus converting his snore
   From a thunderous roar
   To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
2. THE DOG
   The truth I do not stretch or shove
   When I state that the dog is full of love.
   I've also found, by actual test,
   A wet dog is the lovingest.
3. THE FLY
   God in His wisdom made the fly,
   And then forgot to tell us why.
4. THE HIPPOPOTAMUS
   Behold the hippopotamus!
   We laugh at how he looks to us,
   And yet in moments dank and grim,
   I wonder how we look to him.
   Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus!
   We really look all right to us,
   As you no doubt delight the eye
   Of other hippopotami.
5. THE HUNTER
   The hunter crouches in his blind
   'Neath camouflage of every kind,
   And conjures up a quacking noise
   To lend allure to his decoys.
   This grown-up man, with pluck and luck,
   Is hoping to outwit a duck.
6. THE LAMA
   The one-l lama,
   He's a priest;
   The two-l llama,He's a beast.
   And I will bet
   A silk pajama
   There isn't any
   Three-l lllama.
7. THE PANTHER
   The panther is like a leopard,
   Except it hasn't been peppered.
   Should you behold a panther crouch,
   Prepare to say Ouch.
   Better yet, if called by a panther,
   Don't anther.
8. THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS
   The people upstairs all practice ballet.
   Their living room is a bowling alley.
   Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
   Their radio is louder than yours.
   They celebrate week ends all the week.
   When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
   They try to get their parties to mix
   By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
   And when their party at last abates,
   They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
   I might love he people upstairs wondrous
   If instead of above us, they lived just under us.
9. THE PIG
   The pig, if I am not mistaken,
   Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
   Let others say his heart is big-
   I call it stupid of the pig.
10. THE TERMITE
    Some primal termite knocked on wood
    And tasted it, and found it good!
    And that is why your Cousin May
    Fell through the parlor floor today.
11. TO MY VALENTINE
    More than a catbird hates a cat,
    Or a criminal hates a clue,
    Or the Axis hates the United States,
    That's how much I love you.
    I love you more than a duck can swim,
    And more than a grapefruit squirts,
    I love you more than gin rummy is a bore,
    And more than a toothache hurts.
    As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
    Or a juggler hates a shove,
    As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
    That's how much you I love.
    I love you more than a wasp can sting,
    And more than a subway jerks,
    I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
    And more than a hangnail irks.
    I swear to you by the stars above,
    And below, if such there be,
    As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths,
    That's how you're loved by me.

And, for those interested, find these and more on my Geeklist at BoardgameGeek.

FXKLTKN KINDTL

The following list items are all cryptograms, and based on the same code. They have a common thread, and if you translate the title, you'll have it. Also, they're in alphabetical order by answer. I'll reveal the code in a future post. Maybe.

TSTCTF EKNHZGUKQDL WQLTR GF FXKLTKN KINDTL

1. ITN RORRST RORRST
2. IXDHZN RXDHZN
3. PQEA QFR POSS
4. PQEA WT FODWST, PQEA WT JXOEA
5. PQEA LHKQZ
6. SOZZST WG HTTH
7. SOZZST DOLL DXYYTZ
8. DQKN IQR Q SOZZST SQDW
9. GSR DGZITK IXWWQKR
10. HTZTK HTZTK HXDHAOF TQZTK
11. ZIOL SOZZST HOUUN

Need another hint? These all relate to DGZITK UGGLT.

YouTubish

Some YouTube nuggets for your approval.

ELEVEN YOUTUBE VIDEOS

1. Dancing Pixel People.
   
2. Don't talk on your phone during a concert.
   
3. OK Go on treadmills.
   
4. Look where you're going.
   
5. Road rage meets its match.
   
6. A squirrely obstacle course.
   
7. 911 - Elephant edition.
   
8. 911 - Math edition.
   
9. 911 - Brownie edition.
   
10. Four hands on the guitar.
    
11. A prison Thriller - spoooooky.

Books & Movies

I don't always like movies based on books. I'll like the book, then I won't like the movie. Or vice versa, in much less frequent cases. However, here are:

ELEVEN BOOKS I LIKE THAT BECAME MOVIES I LIKE
(presented alphabetically)

1. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - We start this off with a wonderful book that actually became two movies I like. Roald Dahl, the author, was reportedly unhappy with the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that starred Gene Wilder, classic though that film has become. Tim Burton's version was closer to the spirit of the original, but I have to say I like them both for what they bring.
2. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk burst onto the fiction scene with his first novel that became a movie directed by David Fincher. Palahniuk's style really brings out the narrator's state of mind with definite stream of consciousness writing, and the adaptation managed to stay faithful to the source material without revealing the big twist at the end. Both are violent, gritty, darkly funny, and, for me, very good.
3. The Godfather - Mario Puzo's novel was long, dramatic, spellbinding, and included an absolutely pointless subplot set in Hollywood. Francis Ford Coppola's film adaptation was everything good about the book, with only a hint of the terrible Johnny Fontane story, and that was all that was necessary. I'm not as big of a fan of the second movie, though the young Vito Corleone story, taken from the original novel, was excellent.
4. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby's first fictional novel was about a man with a record store trying to figure out his life and relationships in Britain. The movie version, starring John Cusack, moved the locale to America and lost none of its punch. The story is very deep and insightful about the way men think, and though I don't really have the same lifestyle or subscribe to the same philosophies, I can still relate.
5. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - This Douglas Adams story began life as a radio program, then as a book, then as a TV series for BBC, then as a movie produced after Adams' death. Not a lot of people like the movie, but I really do. It is a departure from the original story, but Adams publicly stated that every version would be different to give them more reason for being. And I must say, Sam Rockwell's Dubya-inspired performance steals the show.
6. Jurassic Park - I wouldn't say Steven Spielberg's adaptation of Michael Crichton's novel is great, but it was definitely groundbreaking. I guess my problem is all the giant holes in the movie, but the story is great. It's Crichton's greatest work, and the movie is fun, so what the heck. On the list it goes!
7. The Princess Bride - William Goldman "adapted" this book from a book he claims his father read to him. The movie took another fourteen years to make it to theaters, but was well worth the time. An absolutely perfect cast, some of the most quotable lines on celluloid, and a beautiful story made the film a classic, but it all came from the novel. Goldman wrote the screenplay as well.
8. A Series of Unfortunate Events - The first three books of Lemony Snicket's thirteen book series were made into a film by Brad Silberling in 2004. It was not a major box-office success, but I really enjoy its quirky charm. Jim Carrey was excellent in his role, which some critics disagree on. They think he was too goofy, but come on. It's an over-the-top role, who better than Jim Carrey?
9. The Shining - Stephen King hated Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of his book. I'm not sure of the exact quote, but I think he said something about Kubrick not understanding horror. No offense, Steve, but I found the movie terrifying The book was equally as terrifying, and I read that second. You'd think I knew what was going to happen and wouldn't be scared, but no. So, in a sense, Kubrick's version helped King's version by not spoiling the suspense.
10. The Silence of the Lambs - The Thomas Harris novel was really good to begin with; in fact, I would say it is the best of Harris' few novels. The movie, behind stellar performances by Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins, really brought the story to life. The movie was very faithful to the book, and though the Hannibal Lecter franchise has gotten completely out of hand, this is definitely one of the gold standards of book adaptations.
11. Thank You For Smoking - Christopher Buckley's satire about the tobacco lobby was hysterical, and the movie definitely emulated the sentiment. My biggest complaint about the movie was that it changed the culprit, but I'd still recommend both. Aaron Eckhart made a great lead for the movie.

Honorable mention - The Lord of the Rings. I didn't include it because it was three books and three movies and I didn't want to waste the space. But yes, a fantastic (if wordy) trilogy of books by JRR Tolkien made into a fantastic trilogy of movies by Peter Jackson.

These are a few of my favorite things

People always come up to me and say, "HEY! Blogger guy! You've gotta lotta nerve! Telling us stuff without really telling us stuff! Why don't you tell us some stuff?" You want some stuff? You got some stuff!

ELEVEN OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

(presented in the order I thought of them, or by awesomeness if you prefer)

1. Pachelbel's Canon in D - It doesn't matter that it's not really a canon. It's just such a purty song.
2. Grease - The music is just so good! Not annoying at all.
3. Country Music - See above.
4. UNC - I'm from North Carolina, so I guess that makes me a Tar Heel fan. I have no other choice.
5. Kids with roller skates in their shoes - Whee!
6. Slow people in the left lane - Exercising their right to go under the speed limit in the fast lane. Good job!
7. David Spade - He's never made a bad movie, and his sarcastic brand of sarcasm goes right to the heart of any issue.
8. Chihuahuas - Mexican rats pretending to be dogs? Maybe, but those Taco Bell commercials were so funny!
9. Taco Bell - How could you not like them? Remember the commercials with the chihuahua?
10. People who own poodles - I'm sure all poodles love being humiliated with bad haircuts. Doesn't everyone?
11. April 1 - The only day I could ever get away with publishing this list.

The Eleventh List Super Spectacular!!!

Yes, folks, here it is, the eleventh editiopn of The Eleven! To celebrate our storied history, here are:

ELEVEN FAVORITE ITEMS FROM THE FIRST ELEVEN LISTS (INCLUDING THIS ONE!!!)

(presented in original order)

1. Eleven Reasons To Make A List Go To Eleven Instead Of Ten: Most lists go up to ten. That makes lists that go up to eleven one better.
2. Eleven Jokes By Mitch Hedberg: I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.
3. Eleven Useless Facts: Most toilets flush in the key of E flat.
4. Eleven Romantic Comedies: Groundhog Day.
5. Eleven More Mitch Hedberg Jokes: An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
6. Eleven Movies That Didn't Win Best Picture, But Should Have: Fargo.
7. Eleven Podcasts I Listen To: Pardon The Interruption.
8. Eleven Classical Works I Enjoy: The Planets by Gustav Holst.
9. Eleven Random Wikipedia Factoids: Worshipful Company of Spectacle Makers.
10. Eleven Homophones...You Figure Them Out!!!: What enchantress?=? (I'll even give you the answer...Which witch?)
11. Eleven Favorite Items From The First Eleven Lists (Including This One): I haven't slept for ten days...because that would be too long.

Congratulations to Mitch Hedberg his victorious joke! Thanks for joining me, and here's to the next eleven lists!

What do you call a stinky chicken?

For the first time, a quiz on The Eleven! Homophones are words that sound the same, but are not spelled the same. A stinky chicken, then, would be a FOUL FOWL. Get it? On with:

ELEVEN HOMOPHONES...YOU FIGURE THEM OUT!!!
(presented alphabetically)

1. Baby African antelope=?
2. Chokin' casket=?
3. Correct ritual=?
   
4. Equine with laryngitis=?
5. Forbidden musical group=?
6. Make fun of golf pegs=?
7. Naked grizzly=?
8. Narcissistic blood vessel=?
9. Runs from parasites=?
10. Spun globe=?
11. What sorceress=?

No, I'm not going to give you the answers! And no posting guesses in the comments...you'll ruin it for everyone else!